We often live in fear and loneliness because we are avoiding heartbreak yet yearn for love.
This podcast discusses the exact things holding us back from finding the love we deserve and going from perpetually single to perpetually happy.
To get access to the PDF that reveals the seven most common love-blocks head here
Thank you for tuning in! xx
Ummmm, where did you go? What the bloody hell just happened? Things seemed ok, well ok enough that going MIA was not justified in the slightest!
Has this happened to you?
Well, strap yourself in because I am about to explain why, help you find closure and hold the ghosters accountable for their actions because quite frankly – I am sick of this behaviour and if you have done this or have experienced it, this will become a little raw.
This way of dealing with things is happening all a bit too often lately and I want to put a stop to this treatment – it is hurtful, selfish and cowardly.
Ok, let me first explain why people do this – not to justify their actions, but more to offer clarity and give you tools to find closure when they never gave you any verbal closure themselves.
Why do people just go AWAL, ghost, disappear with no words or a simple one line text?
- They fear the confrontation
- They don’t want to hurt you
- They don’t see a need to communicate with you because THEY have moved on (this makes me cranky)
- They think avoidance is better than an argument because they just assume that you will get the hint and move on after time anyway *rolls eyes
Whilst the “perpetrator” or perp I shall call them, thinks it is the easiest way, it is in fact the worst way to handle a situation. I know that we all deal with situations differently, but we are also accountable for our actions and we can transform anything and handle situations better in order to make peace with it – for all parties involved.
We are born with two fears, falling and abandonment, and when you leave without a trace this is seen as being abandoned on a subconscious level and cuts far deeper than if you were to suck it up and say the truth. “But this will cause confrontation” you say, yes but it depends on how you approach it. You can run away, but is that really holding yourself with integrity and being compassionate? Do you really feel good about yourself by treating someone like that?
A conversation without negative emotion, but with empathy, may hurt them in the short term but I promise you, this will aid them in the grieving process, in turn enabling them to move on. Often the pain of wondering what happened, what did I do wrong, I need to know, is far worse than the conversation you have with someone to offer them closure.
If this has happened to you, or if it does happen to you in the future, as I can’t promise that all people everywhere will all of a sudden become kind and start having the conversations required (harsh but true) I have some steps for you to follow to find the peace you deserve.
Here are a few steps for you to find closure when they don’t offer it to you;
- Know that you didn’t do anything wrong, you were simply not compatible
- Don’t text and contact continuously as this will justify their reasons for leaving and reflect poorly on you
- There is closure in the no reply. I am not condoning this, but if you don’t hear from them you can be certain that it is over and move on to find someone that will treat you the way you deserve
- Don’t dwell on it, you deserve to be treated with far more respect and compassion than that and they have done you a favour
Whilst I believe we are all adults and should handle situations with love, even when they aren’t the best conversations to have. By having the sticky conversation with them, you will always be handling yourself with high values and in turn you will attract people into your life with high values. You don’t need verbal closure to have closure but it is still nice to have.
These are just a few steps to handling this situation and you can find many more in my book Breaking Down the Breakup. It will offer you the peace of mind you deserve when you can’t find it with the ex.
After failing to find love on The Bachelor I considered applying for Married at First Sight myself for a few reasons;
1) They do the background and compatibility checks
2) Someone is potentially going on there for love and I wouldn’t have to get the whole hey wanna “netfix n chill” conversation (if I was paired with the right person that is haha)
3) It is an interesting once in a lifetime experience that can enable self-development
4) It could save time dating all the wrong people (or waste time being paired with the wrong person)
5) At least on this show I get my own partner and I don’t have to compete with 22 other women, well unless you are on the current season of MAF’s haha.
After watching this season, I have a lot of doubt and questions around the casting, pairing, and the intentions of the people on the show. I would have to experience it myself to truly understand, but from my Bachelor experience and what I have seen, the show is based around two things; love and drama.
It is very apparent that some couples are matched for love, whilst others are matched for drama and drawing out the worst in each-other. Duh of course, silly me didn’t realise before I went on Bachie that TV is geared for ratings and unfortunately the show is not interesting without drama as most people get a bit bored of just the lovey dovey stuff, it is a shame to say it, but that is the reality of “reality tv”.
As for MAF’s, there are some amazing matches that are definitely smashing it in the love department, which caters for one demographic, then there are the intense dramatic couples that are clearly hating their time which keeps us wanting more. I don’t agree with it but we as consumers drive the content on TV so they will give us what we want and that means it can be at the expense of someone’s personal life, having said that, we do know the potential risks when we go on.
The reality of Davina, Ryan, Dean, and Tracey, and it pains me to say this, is that situation is quite common today and is very relatable. I am not condoning this behaviour in any way shape or form, I am saying however, it is a clear depiction of what is going wrong with relationships today and why some people are still single looking for love – a combination of a lack of integrity, communication breakdowns, love-blocks regarding feelings and vulnerability and this is why I am passionate about being a love coach.
I totally understand that Davina is there for herself, she deserves love, we all do, but there is self-love and there is sheer lack of compassion, self-awareness and being mindful of other people’s feelings, and that is where I draw the line.
Is Davina there for love of fame? Her intentions are unclear amongst others on the show, whilst I don’t know them all personally, my opinion can only be formed based on her actions on the show, yes the show is cut and edited but her words and her actions are true to her, I have also heard from a source that she ended a relationship to go on the show, and that she in fact said to one of my friends “she would steal her boyfriend if she wanted to” and despite that being hearsay it all stacks up after what we have seen.
Both Davina and Dean lacked integrity and self-awareness on the show and I feel whilst Davina was the instigator, Dean did follow along with it all and, you know, tried to innocently “play his cards”. I liken the situation to “monkey vining”, it is where you are assessing which partner is best for you whilst holding on to both of them before making your final decision, we should have integrity and let go of the one you are questioning first before you “cheat” or make your decision.
“Monkey Vining Definition; It is the act of transitioning from one relationship to another by retaining some form of connection to both people simultaneously. Only when the new relationship is reasonably solidified is the former one wholly released.”
There are more people in the equation outside of them and that means there are more feelings involved. I will always say go for what you want and do what makes you happy, but not at the cost of other people’s happiness, you can always be mindful of others and have integrity with your actions whilst taking care of your own needs. Instead of going behind people’s backs, I believe they should have ended their “marriages” first before pursuing the other.
Dean didn’t want to pursue Davina because of her dominating personality and Troy is struggling with Ash because of her domineering attitude towards communication, both are prime examples as to why relationships are failing, men don’t know their place and women are becoming more masculine in their approach to dating, but that is a whole different discussion.
I am extremely impressed by Tracey, she shows class, integrity, grace and a lot of self-love. I feel marriage is about thick and thin and she made the choice to continue with Dean to see if he is the right one, the divorce rate is rising all the time because we are always looking for the “next best thing” instead of working on what we have right now. I hate to break it to you but we need to mow the lawn on the other side as well.
Tracey’s actions can be perceived as being insecure or needy but I think it shows strength, determination and goes against the norm of “hit it and quit it”. If we all had this attitude of acceptance, trust and determination, we would see less breakups and more success when it comes to love. It does obviously take two to tango so if Tracey keeps putting in effort with no return it is time to say goodbye. Do I think Dean is right for Tracey based on what I have seen? No, but I admire her strength and determination and only she can work that out for herself, we have no right to judge and impose our opinions.
We all need to put in effort to encourage someone to invest in us, instead of putting in effort in looking for the next best thing. The ball doesn’t always sit in the other persons court, we need to be accountable for our own actions as well as understand if we can accept the other persons “imperfections” as no one is perfect.
Whilst it is reality TV, it does depict a certain element of what we are dealing with when it comes to love. It isn’t all doom and gloom, but the buck does stop with what we will and won’t allow into our lives – know your worth and work through the challenges.
Heart break sucks… So does being lonely, but why does being single mean we have to connect it with being lonely, or unlovable. I am here to say that you don’t have to be alone and lonely.
What is loneliness? It is a desperate need to find you, to be comfortable with yourself and comforted by yourself. It is not about who we have surrounding us in our lives even though we look to people to make us feel included.
How often do you hear, “WHAT! You’re single? What is wrong with you?” So many times that we now actually believe that there is something wrong with us. This then makes us think we are unworthy and that we need a relationship in order to be considered lovable or acceptable, in turn this leads us to dating the wrong person and ultimately the relationship ends… horribly. We are then shit scared of finding love again because it may end like the last one and hurt like a mofo and no way do we want to go through all the pain and hurt again like we did last time!!
Instead we ignore what we truly want, then discover that suppressing what we really want can only last so long before it bubbles up and causes more long-term unhappiness. I know there is a better way for you to experience long-term happiness despite your relationship status.
You are not alone in feeling alone. It is normal after being hurt badly, but it is effecting your happiness, our connection with ourselves and other people which in turn causes us to have meaningless and brief connections/relationships all whilst longing and hoping to find love again – we are doing this dance around our emotions – protecting them but actually hurting them. In the short term we avoid any commitment, dating or anything that may mean getting hurt again,
“I avoid love because I am unhappy, I am unhappy because I avoid love – It is a vicious cycle!! “ – Belinda
I believe that this is a reason why there is more casual sex, tinder dates and less actual dating now than ever before and therefore this trend has impacted the amount of genuine-connected relationships and reduced marriage. Sounds extremely isolating and conflicting to me, do you truly want this to be the case forever?
I am not saying that these having casual relationships is a bad thing, as long as you are doing it for the right reasons and you are happy doing that, not because you are filling a gap or void. You just need to decide if this situation is a short-term, band-aid fix to help you to feel connected and briefly remove the feeling of being alone whilst avoiding getting hurt again, or if you are really happy being single.
The short-term fix can be fun to start with but then it can also lead to long-term sadness, for two reasons;
- We are ignoring what we truly want
- Each time we don’t hear from that person again we are going through the emotion of more “rejection” which leads us wondering what is wrong with me and then looking for the next fix.
It is kind of like an addiction. I feel lonely so I need a hit of company – ooh look, Tinder! Next we come down from the high and the reality of being lonely sets in so we repeat. This cycle will continuously repeat if you don’t start breaking this cycle by using the six tips that are coming very soon.
The main reason we do this is to avoid getting hurt, but getting hurt is not the problem. In life we will get hurt, by many things and many people, it is about how you deal with and handle the outcome that counts moving forward.
Right now you feel like you have hit rock bottom, as the last relationship was a doozy!! Avoiding love and connection is not the solution either.
Being happy and single first will enable you to find the right kind of love that you deserve and never fear getting hurt again. How do you do it?
- Be grateful, not hateful. Things will happen in life to divert you to what is meant to be, a break up is merely a diversion to what you are truly meant to be doing – embrace it
- Become comfortable and appreciative of time on your own. There may be times in your life ahead that become hectic and you will be wishing you had time to yourself. Reconnect with you during these times
- Appreciate time with friends; you may even make choices about which friends you keep close – uplifting positive ones are always little gems that should be cherished.
- Learn to love your good bits and the bits you wish you could change – as they are. Don’t compare yourself to others, only to what you wish to achieve and keep striving for that. Your opinion of being single differs from the next and you don’t need to justify why you are single to anyone.
- Understand that the way people act is not because of you, this is a projection of their own self-worth, they are enforcing their opinion on to you based on the judgment and lessons they have received from others. Uncovering self-love will enable you to not take things personally anymore.
- Stop avoiding and start taking risks – the biggest risks have the biggest rewards. You can deal with the outcome when and IF it occurs.
Reconnecting with yourself and the steps I discussed will enable you to be more confident about being on your own and finding the genuine-connected love you are looking at the right time and you will never fear getting hurt again – loneliness is just as painful.
We are all alone, but we are all in that together. Being single does not mean you are unworthy, unlovable and definitely should not make you feel lonely. Don’t give other people permission to allow you to feel that way, we all have different opinions and we are all in control of our own emotions, and regardless of what others do or say to you, don’t allow or give them permission to make you feel any other way.
Walk your path confidently with self-love and you will always feel in good company.