6 tips to creating a genuine-connection & avoid a root and boot

6 tips to creating a genuine-connection & avoid a root and boot

One of the most common question’s people ask me is how do you make sure it is a genuine connection not just a root and boot when you first meet someone?
The following 6 tips have been written to help you to understand your standards and guide the dating journey to a place that is based on finding a genuine connection and avoid the feeling of being used or lead on and in turn aiding you to find what you want, not what you are settling for.
I believe that due to the fact that there are so many beautiful people out there, who offer many different qualities, it can be confusing when it comes finding someone to connect with on many levels, not just the physical.  Then it is scary to trust if they are being honest, not just leading you on, dam right it can be hard! It is one thing to find a connection with someone, it is another to uncover if it is going to be just lust or love!
The questions we ask ourselves sound a little bit like this. Are they telling the truth or just what I want to hear? Do they want a relationship or a root and boot? Will I hear from them after I sleep with them?  Are they leading me on?  Are they seeing someone else? How do you know?  “Everyone I’ve dated only wanted one thing, surely this is the same old crap”.
Dating, regardless of how you found each other is a bit frustrating, “so sick of time wasters”. I have found that online dating is not the best forum for finding more than a physical connection unless you have patience and a lot of time. So many people, so little time, it becomes so overwhelming that we often give up and not even try, or go with who we feel is the most attractive and potentially miss the best connection.
I prefer the traditional forms of dating – introduction through friends, meet somewhere local to you for example; the shops or at your your place of interest/hobby, parties and things like that. The pub and bar are not as successful as it tends to end in a one nighter, (not that there is anything wrong with that) that is up to you and the choice you make at the time.  You are also in control of where you want it to go and are allowed to say no if you don’t want to sleep with them.
Here are the 6 tips as promised – implement them and see the difference in the people you meet and the dates you are going on.  Even if it means you are going on less “dates” I always prefer quality over quantity.
6 tips to make sure it is a genuine connection not just a root and boot…

1. Look deeper than just the physical
When you are out take a look around the room, don’t just go straight for the person you think is the hottest and then spend all night with that person. Speak to a few people and listen to the way they interact with you. I am not saying be a flirt or a player, I am suggesting to be sociable, you will soon find a connection with someone and feel a “vibe” that goes deeper than a QF.
The funny thing is it’s generally not the initial person you were first attracted to that will be the person you connect with the most on a deeper level than the initial physical attraction. Sometimes it is, but mostly we aren’t open to meeting anyone other than the hottest person in the room and compatibility wise it isn’t always right with that person and we make the wrong choice based on the sexual side. Stay open minded and allow people to speak to you first rather than allowing your genitals to make the choice.
If you are using dating apps, read their profile and see if what they are saying connects with you and test yourself, go on a date with someone for more than the images, you may surprise yourself, I have many times.

2. Listen more, speak less
Listen for the language they are using, if they are talking about their ex often, about partying and drinking, they don’t have many career goals or future plans for their lives; you will see that they really aren’t thinking much about a relationship or their future. They are stuck in the past and aren’t ready to move forward – they will be eventually, but not right now. You can’t change that, only they can.
Don’t hang around waiting for that time to happen as eventually you will start to push and then you become the annoying person, even though you are trying to be supportive, it is a very unattractive quality and can be seen as “trying to change them” – you never want to be THAT person.  Be assertive, listen for cue’s and obvious signs to show you if they want more or just a root and boot.  You can choose what you want but this will allow you to not be let down as you will notice the language and their signs.
Some are really good at fooling you with their “facade” but you will get good at trusting, seeing past the “bulls**t” and following your instinct.  This will allow you to progress with them in a way you want, on your terms with no expectations only an understanding of what you want.  Enjoy the journey and the ride but be smart.  Blaming them for leading you on won’t be a thing anymore as you are empowered to make your own choices and have no expectations, only standards.

3. Learn about them through questions
It is easy to talk about ourselves to impress. It is better to listen more, honestly answer the questions you are asked and ask questions to learn about them. If they are not asking any questions this shows they aren’t really interested, or if they continue to big note, talk about themselves with no break or interest in you, it shows ego or nerves let it pan out and you will see the difference but then ask yourself if this is the person you want to be with for a long time.
If there is a healthy balance of the two you may be onto a winner here. Stay open and engaged. You will learn so much about a person by using your ears which is very different as we are so accustomed to using our eyes and mouth and I am not just referring to talking haha.

4. Open your mind and your heart, not just your pants
If a guy tells you he only wants something casual, he really only wants something casual. Simple. This is where you get to decide if you want that or something more. I recommend that if you want something more rewarding and fulfilling then casual sex, don’t go down that path, as much as it can sound like fun, it may lead to you expecting it to turn into something more, to which it rarely does or worse you are sending a message that you are happy with casual sex and it will distract you from finding something meaningful and waste time with someone that has different goals.
Gentlemen looking for love need to hold off on having sex quickly, this can send the wrong message also.  She may assume you just wanted casual sex and then not bother or expect a relationship from you due to the new connection as we women are emotive human beings, be careful with how you speak to ladies and treat them.  There are consequences to our actions.
If you have sex with them, do it for fun and pleasure, safely.  Do not do it to ensure a relationship or expect that a relationship will happen if you have sex, you will leave feeling hurt.  If you keep your mind focused on what you truly want you will attract that. No unwanted or non-beneficial distractions.

5. Feel the vibe
You will simply feel a vibe and a connection. If the sparks are flying, you feel like you are 16 again and you are treating each other with respect, not just a undressing each other with your eyes, you will see that they want more than just something casual – you will know based on the full encounter and how it ends.
The vibe or spark as we also refer to it, should be that intense you want to become physical with them, this is normal but exercise will power.  If you want to see them again I would wait a few dates until you get in the sack with them.
I suggest because of 2 reasons.
1. You will see if there is more than a lust connection with them and this will enable deeper feelings to develop, not just the physical and
2. Waiting is sexy, it creates more tension and when you come around to doing the horizontal doonah dance it will be so much more exciting as the tension has been building.

6. How the encounter pans out and ends
If the person you meet has stepped away from their friends, is asking you questions about yourself, is engaged, doesn’t talk about sex straight away and asks for your number, this is a clear indication they are interested in getting to know you on many levels, not just for sex. Ladies, offer him signs of interest but allow him to make the first move, if he asks to go home with you then clearly he is after one thing, ladies it is ok to say yes or no bearing in mind what you truly want long term. If you sleep with them, don’t walk away feeling unhappy if you don’t hear from them, be happy in your decision with no expectations as you also get to make the decision to sleep with them.
If they don’t ask for your number then he is either very shy or not interested and I personally would prefer him to ask me than date someone that is too shy to ask. Yes it is 2016 and things have changed, but I think when it comes to dating it is still very traditional in that sense. This leads me to say – gentlemen please ask for her number if you are interested, the worst that can happen she says no, but if you have spent half your night with her, chances are she would like to hear from you again.
Take each encounter for what it is, don’t think too much about what is happening other than to allow yourself to see if you are compatible or not.
Getting a text message the next day after a fabulous date is far more exciting then sleeping with them and wondering if you will hear from them if you slept with them for the wrong reasons.  Choose carefully and for your own reasons, not because you think it will sway them in a particular direction.
Dating is fun, finding your life partner is something you want to get right – don’t rush, enjoy the journey.

You will never please 100% of people – please yourself.

You will never please 100% of people – please yourself.

Life is so full of expectations, lose weight, tone up, wear this, wear that, be this, be that, get a good job, get married, have kids, don’t say this, oooh no you can’t say that, do as I say (not as I do haha) do this, do that…

Half the time we don’t even know who we are and if those things truly make us happy, or if we are doing it to fulfil some sort of societies demands and expectations to fit in and be accepted. I am certainly not someone that sticks to the norms, well I once was that person but I did not “fit in” and mostly I stood out like a sore thumb, for all the wrong reasons. Mainly because I was challenging these norms, offering new suggestions and ideas for a better way and coming up with my own solutions that didn’t fit in with their expectations, mostly because I could see a better way and it in turn offended people – oopsies, this was never my intention.

I believe that we all have a right to have our own likes, dislikes and direction in life. Yes there are certain things we need to abide by in order to live, like buy food and pay the bills, live healthy, be kind and respectful to others and contribute somehow, but why the heck does the rest of what we do in our lives, yes OUR lives, have to be under the terms of society and looking good or fulfilling stupid expectations that aren’t even our own dreams and goals???

Why do we have to go to uni and study something we hate only to get a job we hate, marry someone we divorce and raise our children as single parents? I am not saying that happens to everyone and I am also not saying you shouldn’t do these things, if they are your goals and passions then absolutely do them, but if they aren’t you can certainly find another way. What I am saying is that if you find your purpose, uncover who you truly are, at whatever age, then follow that path and STUFF what society says. Make your own rules!
If you want to invent something amazing no matter how many people told you it could never be done, if you want to start a new business because you see a gap in the market, if you want to travel overseas and help people less fortunate then I say DOOOO IT! Find a way, it is easier when there is a strong will.

We are only ever our happiest when we are living our purpose, even when it is at the darkest part, you are struggling to pay the bills and we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, nothing beats being authentically yourself, and striving for achieving something great, that thing you feel yearning inside you, it has been there since you can remember so awaken it and do it. It is especially more satisfying when you know you have gone through the toughest times and come out the other side successfully and you achieved it all on you own – despite the neigh sayers.

This just doesn’t go for your career, this also applies to your relationships. You don’t need to be in a relationship to be worthy or lovable, you don’t have to rush in to something you are unsure of, you also can take a jump if it feels right despite how short it has been and what people think. Stop seeking approval from others, stop asking others if they think you should or shouldn’t do something. Half the time they don’t know themselves what is right or wrong based on your needs and desires, they will only offer advice based on their own fears and passions anyway, they will also combine that with what society has taught them which is probably wrong for you anyway.
Stop looking outwards and start seeking approval within yourself. If you are single – embrace it, if you are in love – embrace that. If you want to travel, do it, if you want to be a lawyer do that! F**k society, listen to your heart, that is where your true love and passion lies anyway, not in the opinion of others.
I lived most of my life “acting”, “pretending” to be someone else to fit in only to ostracise myself and feel so lonely, confused and bored, it was horrible and some of the worst times in my life. The moment I uncovered who I am authentically, gave the forks to societies rules, loved and allowed myself to be me, was the moment I became the happiest person I have ever been in my life.

I don’t fit in, I never did and since I uncovered me I now stand out in a way that is changing lives. I said at 6 years old I wanted to make a difference in this world but was suffocated by the world for way too long. Now I do what makes me happy, pay my bills, respect and love my family, friends and along with that my enemies.  I do not follow the rules of society which is why I lost so many jobs and also why I succeed so much in others.
What is your purpose? Mine is enabling people to feel loved everyday despite their relationship status and it fills me with happiness, gratitude, love and so many wonderful people who love and appreciate me for who I am. I have more amazing people in my life now, being authentically myself, than I did when I was pretending to be someone just to fit in.
Find your purpose and then take the steps, you will encounter haters no matter what you do – so go do what makes you the happiest!