Is there a commitment issue epidemic?
Did Nick Cummins aka the Honey Badger from the 2018 series, season 6 of The Bachelor, demonstrate that Australian men just don’t want commitment and they aren’t ready for love? Are men simply committed to partying and being boys?
I reveal my thoughts on the topic, why I believe Nick didn’t pick anyone and how to handle this perpetually single epidemic.
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Has online dating ruined how we connect with each other? Does the swipe right and match take away from the genuine connections we have formed naturally in the past and make us simply lazy?
What happened to the good old days of calling the person you liked, asking them on a date, arranging it a few days before hand, being picked up, being taken somewhere nice and maybe a little bit romantic and being shown a lovely time, getting dropped off and a good night kiss with no expectations of the horizontal salsa and then you hear from them to make another date?? GONE I tell you they have GONE with the wind! (clearly I am very traditional, quoting old school movies, or maybe I am showing my age haha)
What happens now is very different. Has technology ruined it forever?? There are so many pro’s and con’s to online dating, I guess it just depends on how we treat or mistreat it.
Some pro’s and con’s include;
We can meet more people around the world
We get lost in all the options
It reduces the blind date risk factor
We have become superficial
You feel connected
We are actually disconnecting from reality
Communication is quick
It is so quick we get inundated and we don’t actually reply to messages
So many options
We get decision fatigue
Has technology ruined it for us all and generations to come??
No, I don’t believe that online dating has ruined how we date and connect, yes it is has contributed to a major shift and has changed the game a lot, I don’t however, think it is the cause. I think we need to take a good long hard look at ourselves – the users or should I say abusers!
I think we have abused the system, you go to the gym and watch everyone train instead of training you won’t get the results. You look at the clothes in the window and don’t try them on you won’t know if it fits you, reality check – same goes for online dating. The upside is – we can change the game again if we like!
Online dating is a tool we have been given in order to make dating easier, allow us to connect with more people and have a choice, remove the uncertainty of blind dating and enable us to find love.
We have gone and sabotaged it and made it harder rather than easier.
Did you know that Tinder was actually created to connect people and take away the stress of wondering if someone was interested and it was launched for uni students, very similar to Facebook. What happened from there is all our own doing. Sorry to say it guys and gals, we are living in a society filled with deviants afraid of falling in love – hence the tinder booty call was created – which is technically called “Netflix n chill”. We are quite good at sugar coating the truth haha.
So yes, my belief is that we use it incorrectly. Online dating is not the perpetrator, it is the victim and we made it the murderer to dating and finding love. Instead of its original purpose, it is now utilised for booty calls, dick pics, ego boosts, a swipe game and more. We don’t put any description, we put photos of our pets and food, we don’t include pics of just ourselves, we message and don’t respond, we match and don’t make contact, some people use it for a sounding board about all the shitty dates or a way to abuse the opposite sex for being douche-bags or gold diggers and yet we are all confused.
Then when we do finally meet someone online and the magic happens we say – “oh lets just say we met through friends” so then online dating doesn’t even get any credit at all and no one really knows the beauty of it if you use it correctly.
It is absolutely possible to find love online, I know many people who finally admitted to me they met online haha and that is because they used it correctly. I think Tinder should have a different site – maybe called sexter or something where you go just for booty calls and a site for relationships so we can separate the two and make it easier for people to find what they are looking for.
I even want to design an app that has a video profile so you can listen to them speak and you can say something about yourself rather than a short, uninformative description that is generally written in emojis combined with pics that don’t even show their face or hobbies. Put effort in, you will reap the rewards.
No more charades or pretending one thing to get another or leading people on. Just straight up front, good old-fashioned honesty and integrity. It is hard to do that these days as we are all a little bit too scared of getting hurt with the truth so it is easier to lie and get what we want and disappear not realising that actually hurts more in the end which is ultimately why I think we got ourselves into this predicament in the first place but that is another entirely new blog topic.
Either way, do I think you can find love online – Yes! Here are four quick steps to aid that
Write a good profile description
Pick great pics of you eg; doing your hobbies, hanging with friends, head shot and full length
Actually message and respond
Make a time to meet
If you want to download the 6 Steps to a Killer Online Dating Experience you can do so in this link.
We can change how it works by simply changing your attitude, make some effort and be a little bit vulnerable. If it doesn’t work out, there is plenty of fish, another great dating app haha.
Go forth and prosper!!
Ummmm, where did you go? What the bloody hell just happened? Things seemed ok, well ok enough that going MIA was not justified in the slightest!
Has this happened to you?
Well, strap yourself in because I am about to explain why, help you find closure and hold the ghosters accountable for their actions because quite frankly – I am sick of this behaviour and if you have done this or have experienced it, this will become a little raw.
This way of dealing with things is happening all a bit too often lately and I want to put a stop to this treatment – it is hurtful, selfish and cowardly.
Ok, let me first explain why people do this – not to justify their actions, but more to offer clarity and give you tools to find closure when they never gave you any verbal closure themselves.
Why do people just go AWAL, ghost, disappear with no words or a simple one line text?
- They fear the confrontation
- They don’t want to hurt you
- They don’t see a need to communicate with you because THEY have moved on (this makes me cranky)
- They think avoidance is better than an argument because they just assume that you will get the hint and move on after time anyway *rolls eyes
Whilst the “perpetrator” or perp I shall call them, thinks it is the easiest way, it is in fact the worst way to handle a situation. I know that we all deal with situations differently, but we are also accountable for our actions and we can transform anything and handle situations better in order to make peace with it – for all parties involved.
We are born with two fears, falling and abandonment, and when you leave without a trace this is seen as being abandoned on a subconscious level and cuts far deeper than if you were to suck it up and say the truth. “But this will cause confrontation” you say, yes but it depends on how you approach it. You can run away, but is that really holding yourself with integrity and being compassionate? Do you really feel good about yourself by treating someone like that?
A conversation without negative emotion, but with empathy, may hurt them in the short term but I promise you, this will aid them in the grieving process, in turn enabling them to move on. Often the pain of wondering what happened, what did I do wrong, I need to know, is far worse than the conversation you have with someone to offer them closure.
If this has happened to you, or if it does happen to you in the future, as I can’t promise that all people everywhere will all of a sudden become kind and start having the conversations required (harsh but true) I have some steps for you to follow to find the peace you deserve.
Here are a few steps for you to find closure when they don’t offer it to you;
- Know that you didn’t do anything wrong, you were simply not compatible
- Don’t text and contact continuously as this will justify their reasons for leaving and reflect poorly on you
- There is closure in the no reply. I am not condoning this, but if you don’t hear from them you can be certain that it is over and move on to find someone that will treat you the way you deserve
- Don’t dwell on it, you deserve to be treated with far more respect and compassion than that and they have done you a favour
Whilst I believe we are all adults and should handle situations with love, even when they aren’t the best conversations to have. By having the sticky conversation with them, you will always be handling yourself with high values and in turn you will attract people into your life with high values. You don’t need verbal closure to have closure but it is still nice to have.
These are just a few steps to handling this situation and you can find many more in my book Breaking Down the Breakup. It will offer you the peace of mind you deserve when you can’t find it with the ex.
After failing to find love on The Bachelor I considered applying for Married at First Sight myself for a few reasons;
1) They do the background and compatibility checks
2) Someone is potentially going on there for love and I wouldn’t have to get the whole hey wanna “netfix n chill” conversation (if I was paired with the right person that is haha)
3) It is an interesting once in a lifetime experience that can enable self-development
4) It could save time dating all the wrong people (or waste time being paired with the wrong person)
5) At least on this show I get my own partner and I don’t have to compete with 22 other women, well unless you are on the current season of MAF’s haha.
After watching this season, I have a lot of doubt and questions around the casting, pairing, and the intentions of the people on the show. I would have to experience it myself to truly understand, but from my Bachelor experience and what I have seen, the show is based around two things; love and drama.
It is very apparent that some couples are matched for love, whilst others are matched for drama and drawing out the worst in each-other. Duh of course, silly me didn’t realise before I went on Bachie that TV is geared for ratings and unfortunately the show is not interesting without drama as most people get a bit bored of just the lovey dovey stuff, it is a shame to say it, but that is the reality of “reality tv”.
As for MAF’s, there are some amazing matches that are definitely smashing it in the love department, which caters for one demographic, then there are the intense dramatic couples that are clearly hating their time which keeps us wanting more. I don’t agree with it but we as consumers drive the content on TV so they will give us what we want and that means it can be at the expense of someone’s personal life, having said that, we do know the potential risks when we go on.
The reality of Davina, Ryan, Dean, and Tracey, and it pains me to say this, is that situation is quite common today and is very relatable. I am not condoning this behaviour in any way shape or form, I am saying however, it is a clear depiction of what is going wrong with relationships today and why some people are still single looking for love – a combination of a lack of integrity, communication breakdowns, love-blocks regarding feelings and vulnerability and this is why I am passionate about being a love coach.
I totally understand that Davina is there for herself, she deserves love, we all do, but there is self-love and there is sheer lack of compassion, self-awareness and being mindful of other people’s feelings, and that is where I draw the line.
Is Davina there for love of fame? Her intentions are unclear amongst others on the show, whilst I don’t know them all personally, my opinion can only be formed based on her actions on the show, yes the show is cut and edited but her words and her actions are true to her, I have also heard from a source that she ended a relationship to go on the show, and that she in fact said to one of my friends “she would steal her boyfriend if she wanted to” and despite that being hearsay it all stacks up after what we have seen.
Both Davina and Dean lacked integrity and self-awareness on the show and I feel whilst Davina was the instigator, Dean did follow along with it all and, you know, tried to innocently “play his cards”. I liken the situation to “monkey vining”, it is where you are assessing which partner is best for you whilst holding on to both of them before making your final decision, we should have integrity and let go of the one you are questioning first before you “cheat” or make your decision.
“Monkey Vining Definition; It is the act of transitioning from one relationship to another by retaining some form of connection to both people simultaneously. Only when the new relationship is reasonably solidified is the former one wholly released.”
There are more people in the equation outside of them and that means there are more feelings involved. I will always say go for what you want and do what makes you happy, but not at the cost of other people’s happiness, you can always be mindful of others and have integrity with your actions whilst taking care of your own needs. Instead of going behind people’s backs, I believe they should have ended their “marriages” first before pursuing the other.
Dean didn’t want to pursue Davina because of her dominating personality and Troy is struggling with Ash because of her domineering attitude towards communication, both are prime examples as to why relationships are failing, men don’t know their place and women are becoming more masculine in their approach to dating, but that is a whole different discussion.
I am extremely impressed by Tracey, she shows class, integrity, grace and a lot of self-love. I feel marriage is about thick and thin and she made the choice to continue with Dean to see if he is the right one, the divorce rate is rising all the time because we are always looking for the “next best thing” instead of working on what we have right now. I hate to break it to you but we need to mow the lawn on the other side as well.
Tracey’s actions can be perceived as being insecure or needy but I think it shows strength, determination and goes against the norm of “hit it and quit it”. If we all had this attitude of acceptance, trust and determination, we would see less breakups and more success when it comes to love. It does obviously take two to tango so if Tracey keeps putting in effort with no return it is time to say goodbye. Do I think Dean is right for Tracey based on what I have seen? No, but I admire her strength and determination and only she can work that out for herself, we have no right to judge and impose our opinions.
We all need to put in effort to encourage someone to invest in us, instead of putting in effort in looking for the next best thing. The ball doesn’t always sit in the other persons court, we need to be accountable for our own actions as well as understand if we can accept the other persons “imperfections” as no one is perfect.
Whilst it is reality TV, it does depict a certain element of what we are dealing with when it comes to love. It isn’t all doom and gloom, but the buck does stop with what we will and won’t allow into our lives – know your worth and work through the challenges.