Heart break sucks… So does being lonely, but why does being single mean we have to connect it with being lonely, or unlovable. I am here to say that you don’t have to be alone and lonely.
What is loneliness? It is a desperate need to find you, to be comfortable with yourself and comforted by yourself. It is not about who we have surrounding us in our lives even though we look to people to make us feel included.
How often do you hear, “WHAT! You’re single? What is wrong with you?” So many times that we now actually believe that there is something wrong with us. This then makes us think we are unworthy and that we need a relationship in order to be considered lovable or acceptable, in turn this leads us to dating the wrong person and ultimately the relationship ends… horribly. We are then shit scared of finding love again because it may end like the last one and hurt like a mofo and no way do we want to go through all the pain and hurt again like we did last time!!
Instead we ignore what we truly want, then discover that suppressing what we really want can only last so long before it bubbles up and causes more long-term unhappiness. I know there is a better way for you to experience long-term happiness despite your relationship status.
You are not alone in feeling alone. It is normal after being hurt badly, but it is effecting your happiness, our connection with ourselves and other people which in turn causes us to have meaningless and brief connections/relationships all whilst longing and hoping to find love again – we are doing this dance around our emotions – protecting them but actually hurting them. In the short term we avoid any commitment, dating or anything that may mean getting hurt again,
“I avoid love because I am unhappy, I am unhappy because I avoid love – It is a vicious cycle!! “ – Belinda
I believe that this is a reason why there is more casual sex, tinder dates and less actual dating now than ever before and therefore this trend has impacted the amount of genuine-connected relationships and reduced marriage. Sounds extremely isolating and conflicting to me, do you truly want this to be the case forever?
I am not saying that these having casual relationships is a bad thing, as long as you are doing it for the right reasons and you are happy doing that, not because you are filling a gap or void. You just need to decide if this situation is a short-term, band-aid fix to help you to feel connected and briefly remove the feeling of being alone whilst avoiding getting hurt again, or if you are really happy being single.
The short-term fix can be fun to start with but then it can also lead to long-term sadness, for two reasons;
- We are ignoring what we truly want
- Each time we don’t hear from that person again we are going through the emotion of more “rejection” which leads us wondering what is wrong with me and then looking for the next fix.
It is kind of like an addiction. I feel lonely so I need a hit of company – ooh look, Tinder! Next we come down from the high and the reality of being lonely sets in so we repeat. This cycle will continuously repeat if you don’t start breaking this cycle by using the six tips that are coming very soon.
The main reason we do this is to avoid getting hurt, but getting hurt is not the problem. In life we will get hurt, by many things and many people, it is about how you deal with and handle the outcome that counts moving forward.
Right now you feel like you have hit rock bottom, as the last relationship was a doozy!! Avoiding love and connection is not the solution either.
Being happy and single first will enable you to find the right kind of love that you deserve and never fear getting hurt again. How do you do it?
- Be grateful, not hateful. Things will happen in life to divert you to what is meant to be, a break up is merely a diversion to what you are truly meant to be doing – embrace it
- Become comfortable and appreciative of time on your own. There may be times in your life ahead that become hectic and you will be wishing you had time to yourself. Reconnect with you during these times
- Appreciate time with friends; you may even make choices about which friends you keep close – uplifting positive ones are always little gems that should be cherished.
- Learn to love your good bits and the bits you wish you could change – as they are. Don’t compare yourself to others, only to what you wish to achieve and keep striving for that. Your opinion of being single differs from the next and you don’t need to justify why you are single to anyone.
- Understand that the way people act is not because of you, this is a projection of their own self-worth, they are enforcing their opinion on to you based on the judgment and lessons they have received from others. Uncovering self-love will enable you to not take things personally anymore.
- Stop avoiding and start taking risks – the biggest risks have the biggest rewards. You can deal with the outcome when and IF it occurs.
Reconnecting with yourself and the steps I discussed will enable you to be more confident about being on your own and finding the genuine-connected love you are looking at the right time and you will never fear getting hurt again – loneliness is just as painful.
We are all alone, but we are all in that together. Being single does not mean you are unworthy, unlovable and definitely should not make you feel lonely. Don’t give other people permission to allow you to feel that way, we all have different opinions and we are all in control of our own emotions, and regardless of what others do or say to you, don’t allow or give them permission to make you feel any other way.
Walk your path confidently with self-love and you will always feel in good company.
Oooh you said the L word!! Yep I sure did! Love, love, love, love!
Growing up I had a fear of the L word. This wasn’t always the case, it developed over time due to a myriad of reasons. I thought it was uncool and strange to use it mostly because when I did say it people would look at me weirdly, reluctantly or rarely say it back and after my parents divorce I didn’t even think love could be real – despite the fact that I wanted to find someone to love and love me so badly.
This idea of what love is then became a fairy tale, the holy grail and eventually unattainable, I avoided anything that had love hearts on it – clothes, jewellery, home décor items etc because people may think I am a lovey dovey fairy princess and not talk to me, judge me and think I am silly.
Why is it so hard for us to use the L word, in fact I am going to just say it… Love.
Here are some reasons.
Rejection – Looking silly – Getting it wrong – Getting hurt – Doubt – Fear and so many more I can list.
These reasons have all come from our past experiences, the way our relationships turned out, the way we talk and deal with our family and friends and the way we have been treated.
Love comes in so many different forms. I love my family, I love my friends, I love chocolate, I love to go on adventures, I will absolutely love my partner. Yet we put love on this pedestal like it is something you can’t say or even feel. It seems as though it has to be that special kind of mutual romantically-intimate special kind of love in order for us to feel it or even say it. As kids we get to an age where we won’t hug or kiss our parents goodbye if someone can see us.
Language is a very powerful thing, and if we spoke more positively we would feel happier and more confident and start to feel and believe the positive things we say. I am not suggesting just saying it for the sake of saying it, it can still be special when we say it because we mean it. We complain often about people and judge and ridicule all the time that I believe if we change our mentality to be positive, we will not only feel more positive, we will attract more positive things into our lives and start spreading the positivity all around us.
Love has been put so high on this pedestal that we can’t even say I love you to our friends, our family and often our partner – It really shouldn’t be so hard to say this when we do love someone right? Despite what they have done to hurt us we still love them but yet we refrain from sharing this. I think it is selfish personally and we should be more open and honest.
I love all of the people in my life, family and friends, they are wonderful, supportive, caring, kind, happy and so many more things. I enjoy letting them know how much I appreciate them and often send a message randomly to say this. Recently I hugged one of my very good friends goodbye and I said “Thank you for coming over and helping me I love you lots.”
Her reaction, like many others, was unsure, reserved and shy. I often get that reaction and after talking with her we uncovered that she felt the word love was only for family and your partner and that it seemed unusual to hear it from any one else. I believe this stems from society and the way in which we have treated it. We have made it this exclusive emotion for our relatives or romantic partners. We have created this situation where it is only experienced in a fairytale or and in turn we aren’t using it for all the other people we truly love and they aren’t feeling the true beauty of love in all forms, from all kinds of people.
I believe if we shared this more often we wouldn’t have as much unhappiness and judgment in the world. We would be more open to hear and say “I love you” which would create patience when finding “the one” as we would be surrounded with so much love we don’t need just someone or anyone to be our partner to fill the void, I also believe it will lessen the blow if the relationship ends. We are putting all our eggs in one basket when it comes to love, so when the eggs leave or break, we feel empty.
Spread the love, tell the people you appreciate that you love them.. If you are grateful for them that has got to be a form of love, right?
Don’t worry about overusing the word, as it isn’t used enough. I promise it wont’ take the special feeling away from your forever person if you are saying I love you to all those who deserve it and that you truly love and appreciate, it will in fact, make it more special as it will create comfort and we will feel safe and happy to say it without any expectations of hearing it in return. When we say I love you, we shouldn’t expect anything in return other than to spread love and make someone else smile and feel important.
Which brings me to the age old question, who says I love you first? Does he or does she?
I want to ask you, in the grand scheme of things, does it actually really even matter? If you love someone – TELL THEM – Tell them today. With no expectations of hearing it back, no fear of the result or outcome. Sharing love is special and should be about them, not getting anything in return. So make that your new goal – to spread and share the love regardless of what you get back verbally, because I guarantee, what you get back emotionally through selflessly sharing love has a far greater affect on you and humanity.
So thank you for reading this I truly love your support and I hope you feel inspired to share the love with someone special xo.
Is life in plastic really fantastic?
I can understand and appreciate why people do it, but is it really necessary 100% of the time and reasons we have it done? It may be for the short term but what about the bigger picture.
I am airing my frustrations a little at the moment in the hope that I may cause a break-through. As secure as I am in myself, sometimes I feel the need to go and get breast implants, a tummy tuck and Botox to feel as though I am worthy of finding love or being recognised by someone that doesn’t get distracted by the next bikini model that comes along.
This frustration is short lived once I rediscover my inner cheerleader again. I am not jealous and I don’t feel inferior to other women, I am all about the love and support and I acknowledge the hard work and effort it takes to being fit and healthy as I myself have lost 22kg, I feel frustrated that we have gone so far into this phase of plastic surgery, that I am questioning if we have forgotten what true beauty is and how it feels.
Originally plastic surgery was created for people with skin disfigurements or burns via the use of skin grafts, then breast implants were created for women who had breast cancer so they could live normally and feel like they can face the world. From there it has evolved so much that I think we are abusing it too much and have gone to the extreme which is “pricing ourselves” out of the market.
By that I mean, every time another woman gets her breasts or lips done, it becomes “the norm” for men and women to accept and if you haven’t had anything done it seems that natural beauty is becoming less and less attractive so in turn we are doing ourselves an injustice. We have now fallen into this pattern of “perfection” and see natural beauty as flawed, despite the fact we do the #nomakeup selfie from time to time. I think we need to stop and reassess.
Did Barbie set these standards for women? Was it men and their ideals? Was it women and our insecurities? Where it all began it doesn’t matter, it is how we handle it now.
“The meaning of true beauty versus the beauty we think society wants, is defined by having a good plastic surgeon instead of strong self-esteem” – Belinda Love
The sad thing about this is society’s demands for what beauty should be overrides true beauty.
I am very happy with the fact that society has learned to accept our choices regarding plastic surgery, but why can’t we accept people and love them JUST THE WAY THEY ARE? It would be far cheaper and less painful.
What I am about to say may offend and trigger some emotions regarding the reasons we look to plastic surgery, but it has to be said and hopefully this opens your views to the fact that with positive reinforcement and self-love you can start to change not only how you feel about yourself, but the world, in many ways. We can redefine beauty, we can allow the world to love ourselves regardless, we can stop this ridiculous spiral into the only way we can be beautiful is by being perfect. I am not saying however, that we shouldn’t be healthy and eat well and exercise for health and fitness.
“What we don’t like in ourselves we criticise in others, so if we first start with loving ourselves there will be less judgement and criticism in the world.” – Belinda Love
We are doing ourselves an injustice by trying to look the way we think a man wants us to look and spending thousands of dollars on surgery when instead we should be embracing ourselves and encouraging one another to feel beautiful despite our cup size or lip thickness or wrinkles.
If you want to get these things done, I ask you to consider a few things before you take yourself under the knife.
1. Are you doing it to be loved and accepted by others?
2. What is the real reason you need to change your body?
3. Have you had an accident or illness?
5. Can you overcome these negative mindsets with a new focus and self-love?
6. The long term effects
7. Are there other options
Each time we change ourselves we are setting a precedence for men to expect this is what beauty is and the evolution of this process will become worse and worse and harder to maintain to the point where it is standard not optional. It is easier to be grateful, appreciate and love yourself with practice.
I think the situation is spiralling out of control and whilst I don’t judge people for doing things to their body as it is your own body, I am getting very frustrated at the fact we look to enhance the physical rather than the emotional and in turn live in a superficial, unconscious society driven by Instagram and Facebook showing how sexy we look rather than sharing how beautiful we feel.
The only people who get to define beauty is us, Marilyn Monroe was considered beautiful in her day, who the bloody hell made the decision from her day that beauty had to be “perfection”? Only we can define beauty and that comes from mindset and perception. If we change the way we perceive beauty we get to simply be ourselves.
Beauty is really defined by..
1. Our mindset and language
3. Not succumbing to looking like everyone else by changing our appearance
4. Staying unique and bringing our own personality
Do what you want with your body but be mindful of the reasons first and acknowledge the people that love you for you despite what society deems is “perfect”. Those people are in fact the best people to have in your life, they see you for you and love you despite all that other crap society says.
You are beautiful as you are and someone will love you – choose your health both physically and emotionally and you will be happy.
One of the most common question’s people ask me is how do you make sure it is a genuine connection not just a root and boot when you first meet someone?
The following 6 tips have been written to help you to understand your standards and guide the dating journey to a place that is based on finding a genuine connection and avoid the feeling of being used or lead on and in turn aiding you to find what you want, not what you are settling for.
I believe that due to the fact that there are so many beautiful people out there, who offer many different qualities, it can be confusing when it comes finding someone to connect with on many levels, not just the physical. Then it is scary to trust if they are being honest, not just leading you on, dam right it can be hard! It is one thing to find a connection with someone, it is another to uncover if it is going to be just lust or love!
The questions we ask ourselves sound a little bit like this. Are they telling the truth or just what I want to hear? Do they want a relationship or a root and boot? Will I hear from them after I sleep with them? Are they leading me on? Are they seeing someone else? How do you know? “Everyone I’ve dated only wanted one thing, surely this is the same old crap”.
Dating, regardless of how you found each other is a bit frustrating, “so sick of time wasters”. I have found that online dating is not the best forum for finding more than a physical connection unless you have patience and a lot of time. So many people, so little time, it becomes so overwhelming that we often give up and not even try, or go with who we feel is the most attractive and potentially miss the best connection.
I prefer the traditional forms of dating – introduction through friends, meet somewhere local to you for example; the shops or at your your place of interest/hobby, parties and things like that. The pub and bar are not as successful as it tends to end in a one nighter, (not that there is anything wrong with that) that is up to you and the choice you make at the time. You are also in control of where you want it to go and are allowed to say no if you don’t want to sleep with them.
Here are the 6 tips as promised – implement them and see the difference in the people you meet and the dates you are going on. Even if it means you are going on less “dates” I always prefer quality over quantity.
6 tips to make sure it is a genuine connection not just a root and boot…
1. Look deeper than just the physical
When you are out take a look around the room, don’t just go straight for the person you think is the hottest and then spend all night with that person. Speak to a few people and listen to the way they interact with you. I am not saying be a flirt or a player, I am suggesting to be sociable, you will soon find a connection with someone and feel a “vibe” that goes deeper than a QF.
The funny thing is it’s generally not the initial person you were first attracted to that will be the person you connect with the most on a deeper level than the initial physical attraction. Sometimes it is, but mostly we aren’t open to meeting anyone other than the hottest person in the room and compatibility wise it isn’t always right with that person and we make the wrong choice based on the sexual side. Stay open minded and allow people to speak to you first rather than allowing your genitals to make the choice.
If you are using dating apps, read their profile and see if what they are saying connects with you and test yourself, go on a date with someone for more than the images, you may surprise yourself, I have many times.
2. Listen more, speak less
Listen for the language they are using, if they are talking about their ex often, about partying and drinking, they don’t have many career goals or future plans for their lives; you will see that they really aren’t thinking much about a relationship or their future. They are stuck in the past and aren’t ready to move forward – they will be eventually, but not right now. You can’t change that, only they can.
Don’t hang around waiting for that time to happen as eventually you will start to push and then you become the annoying person, even though you are trying to be supportive, it is a very unattractive quality and can be seen as “trying to change them” – you never want to be THAT person. Be assertive, listen for cue’s and obvious signs to show you if they want more or just a root and boot. You can choose what you want but this will allow you to not be let down as you will notice the language and their signs.
Some are really good at fooling you with their “facade” but you will get good at trusting, seeing past the “bulls**t” and following your instinct. This will allow you to progress with them in a way you want, on your terms with no expectations only an understanding of what you want. Enjoy the journey and the ride but be smart. Blaming them for leading you on won’t be a thing anymore as you are empowered to make your own choices and have no expectations, only standards.
3. Learn about them through questions
It is easy to talk about ourselves to impress. It is better to listen more, honestly answer the questions you are asked and ask questions to learn about them. If they are not asking any questions this shows they aren’t really interested, or if they continue to big note, talk about themselves with no break or interest in you, it shows ego or nerves let it pan out and you will see the difference but then ask yourself if this is the person you want to be with for a long time.
If there is a healthy balance of the two you may be onto a winner here. Stay open and engaged. You will learn so much about a person by using your ears which is very different as we are so accustomed to using our eyes and mouth and I am not just referring to talking haha.
4. Open your mind and your heart, not just your pants
If a guy tells you he only wants something casual, he really only wants something casual. Simple. This is where you get to decide if you want that or something more. I recommend that if you want something more rewarding and fulfilling then casual sex, don’t go down that path, as much as it can sound like fun, it may lead to you expecting it to turn into something more, to which it rarely does or worse you are sending a message that you are happy with casual sex and it will distract you from finding something meaningful and waste time with someone that has different goals.
Gentlemen looking for love need to hold off on having sex quickly, this can send the wrong message also. She may assume you just wanted casual sex and then not bother or expect a relationship from you due to the new connection as we women are emotive human beings, be careful with how you speak to ladies and treat them. There are consequences to our actions.
If you have sex with them, do it for fun and pleasure, safely. Do not do it to ensure a relationship or expect that a relationship will happen if you have sex, you will leave feeling hurt. If you keep your mind focused on what you truly want you will attract that. No unwanted or non-beneficial distractions.
5. Feel the vibe
You will simply feel a vibe and a connection. If the sparks are flying, you feel like you are 16 again and you are treating each other with respect, not just a undressing each other with your eyes, you will see that they want more than just something casual – you will know based on the full encounter and how it ends.
The vibe or spark as we also refer to it, should be that intense you want to become physical with them, this is normal but exercise will power. If you want to see them again I would wait a few dates until you get in the sack with them.
I suggest because of 2 reasons.
1. You will see if there is more than a lust connection with them and this will enable deeper feelings to develop, not just the physical and
2. Waiting is sexy, it creates more tension and when you come around to doing the horizontal doonah dance it will be so much more exciting as the tension has been building.
6. How the encounter pans out and ends
If the person you meet has stepped away from their friends, is asking you questions about yourself, is engaged, doesn’t talk about sex straight away and asks for your number, this is a clear indication they are interested in getting to know you on many levels, not just for sex. Ladies, offer him signs of interest but allow him to make the first move, if he asks to go home with you then clearly he is after one thing, ladies it is ok to say yes or no bearing in mind what you truly want long term. If you sleep with them, don’t walk away feeling unhappy if you don’t hear from them, be happy in your decision with no expectations as you also get to make the decision to sleep with them.
If they don’t ask for your number then he is either very shy or not interested and I personally would prefer him to ask me than date someone that is too shy to ask. Yes it is 2016 and things have changed, but I think when it comes to dating it is still very traditional in that sense. This leads me to say – gentlemen please ask for her number if you are interested, the worst that can happen she says no, but if you have spent half your night with her, chances are she would like to hear from you again.
Take each encounter for what it is, don’t think too much about what is happening other than to allow yourself to see if you are compatible or not.
Getting a text message the next day after a fabulous date is far more exciting then sleeping with them and wondering if you will hear from them if you slept with them for the wrong reasons. Choose carefully and for your own reasons, not because you think it will sway them in a particular direction.
Dating is fun, finding your life partner is something you want to get right – don’t rush, enjoy the journey.